Strangers in my home

Thoughts on finding and retaining the right people.

By Tony McLean, Allies Aotearoa

Strangers in my home

Some readers will be familiar with the realities of having staff working with/for your loved one within your own home, but for others, perhaps those who are just commencing on this adventure or for those whom it is all relatively new, this recruitment series is an attempt to share some insights.

Strangers in my home is one way of saying that despite our need and want for assistance, the process of having staff whose place of work is our family home comes with a number of challenges that are not experienced in ordinary workplace contexts. We recruit and invite people we do not know into our homes, our lives, and our very private spaces and ask them to provide support and assistance for our most ‘precious possessions’ – our sons/daughters/loved ones.

From a technical perspective, the process of finding and hiring people to work in our home is the same as it is for hiring for any role, however, the experience of families all across our nation is that the reality and nature of this employment relationship has some fundamental and often unspoken differences. This post aims to shed light on some of the significant implications of this employment relationship, with the hope that increased consciousness will aid your efforts and help you spot difficulties before they arise.

Some considerations if you have strangers in your home

When employing people whose role uses our home as their place of work, or at least as the base for their employment context, our home (our private sanctuary) becomes public – from an employment relations perspective. This is not often understood until the relationship has begun, and you (the employer) begin to become irritated by seemingly insignificant things that are often difficult to pinpoint. We say to ourselves, “Stop being so silly or nitpicky”, or “This is only new, and it will all sort itself out in time” or even worse, “I am so grateful for the help that it doesn’t matter”. These are all telltale signs or red flags, that seasoned employers will pick up on and learn how to address early and quickly.

Learning to trust yourself

Often, if something does not feel right, there is likely a reason for this, even if we cannot put our finger on it initially. Recruiting and onboarding a new staff member, or team, can be an intense period that is accompanied by increased anxiety and pressure. This is normal and to be expected. However, I have found when I violate my gut instinct (even if I can’t explain why at the time), I almost always live to kick myself later. Learning to trust our instincts and back ourselves is a very important aspect of successful recruitment.

Coming to accept that some things at home will be different

When we invite strangers into our home (no matter how lovely they are) we will need to come to a place of peace that some things will need to be different. Home and how it operates is often organic, with family rules applied as and when needed.

As reasonable and responsible employers we will need to set clear parameters/expectations and dear I say it, deliverables for the person/people we employ. This is an expected and required employer behaviour i.e., to set clear and realistic expectations for our staff to operate within. Hiring people and leaving them to figure it out will usually lead to heartache for all concerned and seldom mean our loved ones will receive the best possible support.

Be a friendly employer, not the person’s friend

Being a friendly employer is fundamentally different from being a person’s friend. We always want to be kind, compassionate, generous, and friendly with the people who work with and for us. However, if we breach the boundaries and become overly involved or intertwined in their lives (and them in ours) we are likely to face unexpected consequences. The consequences are often experienced when we need to address a behaviour, attitude, or performance issue. Addressing an issue with a staff person is one thing, addressing an issue with a person who knows our soul is quite another matter altogether. It is a fine line to walk and one where there is no clear rule book, however, being aware of the implications can be a good place to begin.

Setting firm boundaries at the beginning (and sticking to them)

When we have new people start it is a wise approach to have tight and clear boundaries and expectations set. In addition to the fundamentals of the care/support requirements, you could also consider aspects such as, but certainly not be limited to:

1. Start and finish times.
2. What to do if there is an issue/when to escalate etc.
3. Clear rules around the use of personal phones.
4. If people smoke or vape – when and where can they do this?
5. Break times and what is provided from you around this/what do they need to bring?
6. Our family culture/expectations of people are to behave in our home.
7. What sorts of language (including tone) is within scope.
8. This is how our cupboards/dishwasher is set up – please do not change these!

Many difficulties that we face down the track could have been avoided by much clearer expectations at the beginning. Once the person/people show they can operate as required, then you can loosen the reins if you like, but it is very difficult to get the cat back in the bag it these haven’t been set at the beginning of the employment relationship.

Sometimes strangers in our home become very familiar

Some of the people who come into our lives as strangers will be a good fit; they will stick around, and we will form bonds of familiarity with them. When this occurs, we are grateful and enjoy the time we share together, but we remain aware and conscious that the nature of this relationship is employee/employer, and as such, it will end at some point.

The impact of the loss of a cherished supporter can be a difficult period to navigate. Some might say it never gets easy, just that we have more experience, and through this experience, the impact is lessened.

This is not an exhaustive list

The areas we have raised above are not an exhaustive list. They are offered as a place to begin thinking through what it means to have strangers in your home. Each staff member will be different and unique (as obvious a statement as that is), and as an employer, one of our responsibilities is to be able to adjust our style and approach to enable each employee to thrive. Why should we have to adjust to suit an employee? Because the good life of our son/daughter or loved one is on the line.

To find out more

To find out more about the author Tony McLean and/or read more posts please visit the Allies Aotearoa website.

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This article was first published on the Allies Aotearoa website on August 6, 2025 and has been republished with their permission.